Manipulation
9/20/2025
Sometimes adults feel like they are being "manipulated" by young children.
For example:
3-year-old Emma cries when her parent tries to leave the room after saying goodnight. As soon as the parent turns off the light, Emma starts calling out:
“Wait! I need another hug!”
“Can I have some water?”
“My blanket isn’t right!”
After several rounds of responding, the parent feels frustrated...
“She’s just trying to manipulate me. She knows if she cries, I’ll come back.”
What’s Actually Happening:
Emma isn’t scheming or controlling the adult. She’s feeling anxious about separation and using the only tool she has — crying and stalling — to get reassurance and connection. Her behavior communicates:
“I’m scared you’re leaving. I need to know I’m safe.”
Adult Feeling:
The parent feels manipulated because the behavior seems intentional and repetitive. It triggers frustration and the sense of being “played.”
Child Reality:
The child is expressing a need for safety, predictability, and connection, not intentionally trying to deceive or control the adult.
Reflect & Reframe
When have I felt “manipulated” by a young child? What emotion does that label protect me from feeling?
What one sentence could I say next time instead of “She’s manipulating you”?
What small, predictable promise could I give and actually keep today?
What patterns in the child’s day (sleep, arrival routine, transitions) might be fueling the intensity?
Remember: calling a child manipulative ends the conversation; staying curious invites information. She wasn’t manipulating — she was asking for an answer we can give: reliable, calm presence.
Respond
“You want me to stay close because you feel worried when I leave. I’ll give you one more hug and then it’s time to rest. I’ll see you in the morning.”
1️⃣ Pause before reacting.
Take one breath. Remind yourself: Children don’t manipulate—they communicate.
2️⃣ Name what you see.
Say it neutrally: “You’re crying because you want another turn.”
3️⃣ Validate the feeling.
“You really want that toy. It’s hard to wait.”
4️⃣ Hold the limit with calm tone.
“It’s Sam’s turn now. You can play when he’s done.”
5️⃣ Offer a next step.
“Would you like to hold your stuffed animal or draw while you wait?”
